I am a cry baby

   Something have been bugging me this lately. The feeling of emptiness and mostly missing my far far away family =( I thought I would be able to manage my touchy feeling since I am so used to being away from my family ever since I was 13 years old. Mind you, I was a boarding school student. But, I stand corrected.

   

   I cried the other day while talking to my parents. Just like when I was still a kid, whenever I was away from my parents, I'd be head over heels each time they told me that my mum was on the line. I'd run to grab the phone. However, once I heard her voice, my tears will flow down my cheeks without I even realised. That's the power of my parents' voice.

   The other day when I cried, my mum tried to calm me down but I was really crying like a baby. Then, she passed the phone to my father. Upon hearing my voice, my dad could already tell that I was crying. He then told me very softly to stop crying. He said, he couldn't understand anything I said if I continued crying. But, I just couldn't help it. Especially after hearing his soft and tranquil voice.

   After telling him that I might not be able to go back due to the dissertation and stuffs, he calmly told me that it's okay. He promised me that he'll come and visit me with my mum and family later this December, God's willing. I hope faith will bring them here to me.

   Since I was a small child, I have this weird habit of taking my mum's cloth which she had already worn and bring it to sleep with me. You might be surprised if I tell you in all honesty that I still do it now. In fact, I've been doing this like the whole time. So, I asked my older sister who is going home this summer to bring me back my mum and dad's clothes for me. The one that they already worn and I specifically asked her not to wash them so that the clothes will still have my parents' scents on. =) 

   My sister was so kind that she told me she would do me the favour. But she said she'll make sure that she'll take the cloth that my father wear for gardening or the clothes my parents wear for golf. That'll give you the scent you want, she told me.You see, even though I'm all touchy feely my sister was still trying to tease me *pfftt* She is that NICE.

   I just miss my family so much. In fact, I keep on dreaming about them night after night. I also dreamed about me and my family being the fellowship of the ring (just like the movie, The Lord of the Ring), and my father was the ring bearer. yadda yadda. See, I've told you that I miss them so badly =(

   Gah. I really really miss my family so much. I need to see them or at least see some familiar faces as soon as possible. I really hope, mother nature will do justice to me and let the UK and Germany airspace be better and cleared from the Iceland's volcanic ash. I need this mummy nature, pretty please *bat lashes*

   Whatever it is, I hope that my family who are now at the other side of the world are in good health and they are always blessed with happiness and rezeki. Really really hope that time will fly so quickly and we shall meet again soon. I miss you all so so much!

   

   Dear God, please take good care of my family and Danny and his family as well. I love them so so much. I don't know what would I do without them. Amin.

  

Taken when both me and my sis were back last summer holiday. Sangat 'lepak' this family portrait. I was the cameraman.

VOID

   Something is missing. I know this feeling. But, I couldn't tell, what is it. Though the emptiness, it is there. Such a great void at one intersection of my life. I'm feeling it. Yet, I still couldn't tell, what is it. I'm disappearing in the void. An empty void. I smile, I laugh. But deep inside, my heart aches. It cries. For a reason, that only I know of. Empty. Silence.

So this is how you make the movies jealous.

   To those who haven't watch this, you should be doing so then. Especially GIRLS. It's about a guy who wishes to marry his girlfriend and went to ask for the girl's father permission. And once he has got the father's approval, he quickly drove to the cinema where his girlfriend actually was, watching the whole thing.

   You don't get it, don't you? The girl was actually with her brother at the local cinema to watch a 'movie'. But she was then surprised by the trailer titled 'Making the movies jealous' where she actually watched the whole thing, where her boyfriend asks her father's permission up until the moment when her boyfriend actually went into the cinema and finally proposed her.

   Well, if you still can't understand what I'm talking about, it'd be better if you watch it for yourself. If you don't, well then it's your loss, sweetheart. =)

   I can't even think of this kind of proposal. Very creative. Luckily I am a girl, if not, my girlfriend would not be the luckiest girl. I can assure that.

   Credit to this guy who went extra mile to give his girlfriend a proposal to remember. Movie trailer marriage proposal. Who would have thought about it? Well, he did. =)

Every cloud has a silver lining

   Well everybody, it's almost the end of my second year. The three months summer holiday is coming. I should obviously be happy for that. Adding to it, I'm just so close to finishing my last paper. Rather, I'm all stressed up. Again. The feeling is almost as if I have another piled up assignments to do.

   Summer holiday should be one amongst many times of the year that we would be looking forward to, don't you think?  I was very happy few days back, thinking that it's finally time for me to chillax. Well, here's the good news, Is. Dream on. 

   The day after my very last paper, which will be on the 26th May, I will have to attend the individual study sessions. They are actually a preparation class for us, the going-to-be-third year students. T_T

   Not just any preparation, it's particularly to prepare us for our dissertation. In other word, thesis. Erghh. Thesis schemsis. 

   Although it's still a long way to go before the due date, we are obliged to decide and finalise and submit our topic before the 1st June. 

   It might not sound that bad to you. But to me, that's hysterical man! I mean, we will just be finishing our exams by then, how on earth do you expect us to do that. Do you know that choosing a topic for a dissertation alone requires more than just a day. You really have to put a lot of thought before deciding on your topic. It'll be a 10 000 words essay, thus you ought to pick a really interesting topic and something which you believed can be well elaborated concurrently.

   That's not all, I tell you. Apart from submitting the topic, we also need to justify why do we choose the topic, what do we want to find or prove, our ultimate aim, how it could be useful and also to give a list of readings that we'll be doing. 

   Worst is, at the beginning of next term we are expected to already have written statement of objectives, bibliography of approximately fifteen books and journal articles related to the focus of our extended study. And for each book and article, we need to again justify why that book or article is useful for our dissertations. And the list goes on and on. And all that are just a kick start before the authority approve on our topic T_T

   I see darkness. I don't seem to see my blissful holiday yet so far. Though, I'm trying to be optimist here. So, I still believe that there is a silver lining which I will see. I know there will be. Come on, humour me.

This is randomly random

   *woot woot* I'm so happy and I'm deep relief that I had finally finished all my 'killer' papers. And I've been acting as if I have no more exam ever since. I'm on cloud nine *super duper happy *. 

   Well actually, I still have one more paper to sit for, which is my Mandarin paper. But, I'd already planned for my getaway. Oh, did I mention that it's still not the end of my term yet? haha.

   I know, I know, I should focus on my paper first, but I really couldn't help it. Besides, it's just Mandarin. I guess. Not that I'm really good at it but I think it won't be that hard. It's my elective paper actually. So, I think I need not worry about it too much. haha. 

   And yes, I really love learning languages. I am not particularly sure why but I personally feel that it's such an advantage to know, understand and to be able to talk in more than just a language. Oh, yes Malay Language is not the only language I know *telling the obvious* haha. 

   Back in school, I studied Japanese Language for four years for my foreign language subject and I did quite well for my National Japanese Language Exam (I'm not sure what do they really call the exam). And now, I'm taking Mandarin as my elective and still learning Deutsch with my sister and Mr. Danny and of course, the TV. In fact, to encourage me to learn Deutsch, my sister bought me a Deutsch book so that I will be able to learn the language myself. She just know that I'm so into languages. Thanks, akak.

   My passion for languages is one of the reasons why I chose to further my study in this particular course.  Well, to those who are still wondering about my course of study, I am actually doing TESL (Teaching English as Second Language). Yeap, I'm going to be a teacher. An English teacher. God's willing, I wish I will be able to continue with a master degree at the least. 

   Anyways, regarding the getaway aforementioned, let me keep it in the dark at the moment. But, I promise I'll spill the beans once everything goes as planned, okay. *wink* Alright already, I'll give you some hints. It has something to do with the loved ones and also nature. 
   Hey, look at the post's title back! told you so. huhu. You've been warned, don't you? sorry guys.

   Okay, enough said. Pray that I'll do well for my Mandarin exam!  =) Till then, oyasuminasai, gute nacht, wan an, and good night!

at my weakest point

Dear God,

please help me. I'm at my weakest point right now and I really need some strength to keep me going. I no longer know what will happen to me, but I just hope that You will guide me through this. You know best, please help me go through this.

Girls' bestfriend

   I was in the library studying with Zack today and I told her how I was sad and upset yesterday. Fyi, I actually cried. Reason? Because I think that I'm fat and I look ugly. Not that I was attractive before. Why now? Well, this is what Mr. Danny told me when I cried infront him last night. "Susah kan bile PMS ni.." He will always feels at a loss for words each time my "best friend" visits me. Nothing he says will be able to make me feel better. Because apparently, I will always have ways to object him. Zero tolerate T___T 

   I wonder how men feel each and every time they have to deal with this syndrome. Guess that you just have to deal with it, huh? ngeee.

   So anyways, this was what Zack asked me then, "Tell me, how do you differentiate between PMS women and terrorist?"

   What kind of question is this? I wondered how this question was even relevant. I couldn't even  think of any relationship between women and terrorists. Then she smiled and say, "We can negotiate with terrorists." haha. Very tricky. Really? I don't know. But I think that was a good one. Smart huh? 

So, what do you think?

Going on a battle!

   yes! I'm going on a battle, tomorrow! my first paper for my second year exams. 

   and of course, I'm in an agitation mood. Who won't be this time of the year? I'm glad you said that. But unlike what people normally feel, which is this kind of fear for exams, I'm scared that I don't even know and don't even feel like reading/ studying. 

   OMG! What is wrong with me? Have I went berserk? Yeah. In fact, you always are, Issy.

   This is so different from last year when I actually studied extremely hard for my exams. 

   Yes, I read. oh, yes, did I not mention that I revise? 

   well, that's about it. because, in a way I kinda feel that what went inside my head straight away went out. what a waste, huh?

   not that my parents didn't tell me to be prepared and go to the exam hall with a peace mind. fortunately, they did! REPETITIVELY.to tell you the truth, I am shockingly calm however I'm not certain that I'm prepared. hope I am.

   well, the point is not that I can't even and don't even feel like studying. I am actually in a very tranquil mind right now.and this is worrying me!

   and now, I decided to put my exams schedule here because, whenever people asked me, I can't even tell when is the exact date and time of exams. I never bother looking at the exams' timetable. I tell you, this is irrefutably bizarre. I have never felt like this during exams my entire life.

Tuesday, 10/5, 4pm-5pm : Investigating English

Wednesday, 11/5, 1pm-3pm: English Language Teaching Methodology

Monday, 16/5, 1pm-3pm: Language Awareness

Tuesday, 17/5, 4pm-6pm: Contemporary Education Issues

25/5 (which I'm still not sure what day and what time) : Mandarin writing exams

   wish me luck, and do pray for me. don't worry, I promise I will study and do my very best. Pray that I'll thrive, ya! 

this picture makes me feel like I'm actually studying somehow.

but, looks can be very deceiving. pictures too.

Pictures speak a thousand words. agree!

shall we?

   my lecturer, Mark asked us today how do we say "shall we get on to this?" of course, most of my friends tried to say it and they all sounded the same, nothing different from the way Mark said it, "shall we get on to this". but, funnily they were trying to hard which made it sound all Malaysian and a little weird I must say. sorry guys. I'm proud to tell you, I didn't try saying it at all because I was still trying to think, "really, what do you expect us to say?" I simply didn't understand the main purpose of Mark's question. (I'm that slow ) And before the class got more chaotic with almost everyone attempting to say and pronounce the sentence, hoping to say it the way he would want us to, he then told us: "this is how you say it;

"shwi get on to this". 

   Ladies and gentlemen, and that's how the native would say it. silly enough, I answered him, "Yes, we shhh" omitting the we or 'wi'. to those who didn't get it, I was trying to say, "yes, we shall". I know, it wasn't even funny. but I'm glad zack laughed (not sure whether it was genuine or she was just being a good friend but it did make me smile). hehe. Danny, if you are reading this, LAUGH! THIS IS AN ORDER.

it's kinda late but, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

   this entry is written quite late, obviously (busy with assignments and revision week). itt's supposed to be written on the 2nd May. nonetheless, doesn't mean that I've forgotten bout you. NEVER. 

   tried to be the 1st one again to wish you this year. but my plan, failed. *pfftt* kakak and Nur had yet planned not to let me win this year. *double pfftt* I was beaten by 5 minutes (12.05am Malaysia time). but whatever it is, it's the thought that counts, right? being far away from her, doesn't mean that I can't convey her my love, gratitude and appreciation, right? hence, this entry is specially dedicated to my one and only mum.

   shall we get on to this, mum? This is for you, mama.thank you for loving and caring for me. Also for all the little things you've done and you do so beautifully. on your birthday, I wish you good health, joy and happiness together.

   Mama, If I could give you diamonds for each tear you cried for me. If I could give you sapphires for each truth you’ve helped me see. If I could give you rubies for the heartache that you’ve known. If I could give you pearls for the wisdom that you’ve shown. Then you’ll have a treasure that would mount up to the skies that would almost match the sparkle in your kind and loving eyes. 

   But I have no pearls, no diamonds, as I’m sure you’re well aware so I’ll give you gifts more precious,

My devotion, love and care..

the lovely birthday girl. she's one sporting mother.

me and mama *blurry isn't it?*

both my loved ones.

   remember, a mother holds her children's hands maybe for a short time but, she always holds their hearts forever. Thank God for this lovely and caring mother You've given us. I love you, mama! i really love her!